Sunday, September 02, 2007

Things that piss me off Part 532.

Being treated like a potentially violent hooligan when I go to a football match.

I really hate it when stewards insist on 'just having a look' in my handbag before I go in to a ground. OK, in these days of heightened security I do accept the need for searches - IF it is carried out on everyone. But do these stewards search men's pockets? Answer - No they don't. I suspect they get some kind of perverted kick out of looking in women's handbags, because clearly they can't be expecting to find anything more dangerous than a girly purse in there. Or so I always thought......
Yesterday Reidski and I arrived at the match at Leyton Orient, and two stewards asked to 'just have a look' in my bag. Reidski made some comment about how they could never be too careful. But oh dear - what did they find but a Dangerous Object. SO Dangerous that they were telling me they were going to have to take care of it during the match for the protection of other supporters.

Time for one of Jane's Occasional Multiple Choice Questions.

Was the Dangerous Object:

a) A stanley knife

b) A razor blade fixed to the handle of a hair brush

c) A bottle of perfume

Yes, in fact when I had pinched myself to check I was not in fact dreaming, these two jobsworths were really telling me that I couldn't go into a football ground in possession of a bottle of perfume. I honestly thought they were joking as did Reidksi, but then it dawned on me as they were explaining where I would need to collect my dangerous bottle of perfume from after the match that they were seriously telling me they intended to confiscate my bloody perfume. It took me approximately 30 seconds to come to an "Over my dead body" situation. I asked somewhat incredulously if there had ever been a recorded incident of a bottle of perfume being used in anger at a football match. "Oh yes, it happens at lower league matches you know," says Jobsworth One. (LOWER LEAGUE MATCHES??? Erh, we weren't clear if that meant our level or lower still.)
If anyone knows of any such incident do please let me know and I will offer a public apology to Leyton Orient but in the meantime I intend to say what I think of them.


Anyway, suddenly not even caring if I have travelled 70 odd miles to go to this match I found myself saying to Reidski "If I can't take the perfume in with me, they aren't getting a penny of my money. We will go home." (Yes sure - as he pointed out later, what we would actually have done was gone back to the car, put the perfume in it, and sneaked back to the ground but I digress.)

By this time what passes for a crowd of fellow supporters were listening to this exchange with disbelief (OK - I think there were two others), which was when I, bizarrely in view of the fact that I never admit to my age, announced to all and sundry "For Christ sake, I am 48. Do you seriously think there is the remotest chance I am going to throw my perfume at anyone?" (Even if only because the damn stuff is bloody expensive!) And I was too annoyed to notice but Reidski says it was at that stage that the stweards started to look vaguely embarrassed and did in fact up bending the rules to allow me into the ground in possession of a bottle of perfume.

Very glad we did go in. It was a great game of football. It took my stomach a good half an hour after the final whistle to stop churning. It had been that exciting. And Reidski is officially now a Cobblers fan as he definitely said 'We' when talking about the match afterwards.

But I tell you what. The referee was so fucking awful that had my aim been any better, he would have found himself floored by a bottle of Knowing by Estee Lauder!


timesnewroman said...

I'm surprised they didn't tell you that as it was alcohol, you weren't allowed into the gorund with it. Refs, I bloody hate them!

Pixie said...

Brilliant last sentence! you go gal

J.J said...

TNR - I see from your blog that you suffered with refs yesterday too. Even Reidksi was moved to critise hin, and you know his opinions re refs on how we all make mistakes.

Hiya Pixie! I am a born again hooligan after yesterday's experience!

JoeinVegas said...

Next time fill your purse with g-strings, oil and vibrators (oh, sorry, 'personal devices') and see what kind of response you get.

Martin said...

A mate of mine was queueing at the Baseball Ground once and saw the bloke in front of him prepare himself for frisking by taking his darts out of his top pocket and hold them in his hand. After a thorough body search he popped them back and walked into the stadium.

And they're right about the lower leagues, Alty's game are always held up for 15mins while they clear all the knock-off perfume and after shave from the pitch.Honest.

Messalina said...

Good for you, JJ! It's about time us people of a certain age stopped putting up with that kind of shit. Peter put up a similar defence when falsely accused of fare-dodging on the bus. I believe he said "Do I look like the sort of person who would try to get away with not paying 80p?!". Well, you've seen him ...

Steve said...

It'a joke isn't it? I went to the Lanc v Yorks 20/20 cup match last year with four cans of lager quite visible in my see through plastic bag. They let me in but asked my mate if he had any alcohol in his rucksack. He just lied so they let him in as well.

When we got to our seat you couldn't move for shop bought booze.

But judging from the stench of the crowd the stewards had successfully stopped any perfume whatsoever getting through. (Deoderant too I shouldn't wonder)

Yorkshire Pudding said...

Nice twist at the end my dear! Very droll. What I used to thoroughly hate at football grounds was body searches. I had them twice at Derby County and once at York City. What gave those bastards the right to do that? You have just paid your admission and they are waiting for you on the other side - this was cops not stewards. Since the Hillsborough Disaster body searches seem to have almost ceased. The thing was I had never gone drinking before a match, dressed and spoke respectably and even smelled of my wife's Estee Lauder!

J.J said...

Joe - don't think that hasn't crossed my mind!

Martin, I should have known it would happen at Alty!

Messalina - anyone who shares my birthday is not the kind of person to fare dodge.

Steve - phew (or should that be pooh?) - no dangerous perfume at the cricket.

YP - I bet no paying customers get treated as shabbily as football supporters do.

rilly super said...

but darling, you can see the headlines that they must fear so much such as 'woman makes football stadium smell nice shock!'. probably half the players wear the same brand though so I think perhaps they were being a little on the zealous side.

J.J said...

Rilly, I guess they just prefer the smell of testosterone.

Don't we all?