One of the special joys for me is asking my colleagues to provide me with a 360 degree appraisal form - ie, ask everyone from the Head of Service to the caretaker what they think of me and my work. It is always so embarrassing to read so much praise about moi, moi, moi. And obviously I love the opportunity to complete them on behalf of my much valued colleagues: "So and so is a skiving toss bag."
And it's appraisal time again folks. (Yes, so soon after with much sighing of 'Thank god that shite is over for another year' we finished the last ones.)
But wait! What is this that comes down to us from the new powers that be? It is our new 360 degree appraisal form! Hark for what is this I hear?
The howls of derision.
SO last year is responding to whether or not our various team members:
1. Always do what they say they will
2. take responsibility
3. learn from their mistakes
4. strive for excellence
5. act on facts
6. treat people fairly.
Not for this go ahead organisation matey boy - oh no.
Instead we are invited to mark each other on a scale to 1-4 under the following (mystifying) headings:
1. Get on the bus / Lets go faster. (The first bus out of town?)
2. Treat people as human / Team N------shire (Treat people as human? That's a new one on me.)
3. Make Staff future proof / Golden Roller Skate ( Botox us? And Golden Roller Skate? That's crystal clear what they are asking there isn't it? (Any suggestions gratefully received as I am going to have to work with this.) )
4. Taste the Small Red Fruit* (The Times may say that but I couldn't possibly comment.)
5. Deliver on promises / Deliver, deliver, deliver (Do they want us to deliver perchance?)
6. Face it / Tackle wicked issues ( In the modern or traditional sense of the word 'wicked'?)
7. Do your job /Job plus (They want us to do our job??? What will they want next - blood?)
8. Develop a toolkit / Nimble and savvy (This one has totally defeated me. I have absolutely no idea what they are asking here. More suggestions anyone? )
It's Management Speak gone mad I tell ya!
In fact I would go further and say it is management gone mad. Does it not occur to them upstairs that the ordinary employee has not the first idea how we are supposed to use those headings as any kind of a basis for a meaningful appraisal system? Does it also not occur to them that the reaction of the ordinary employee to such headings will inevitably be along the lines of "What a load of bollocks."
* Rhymes with Law and is a berry. Just being aware of google searches here.
P.S. The power of google led me to discover ours is not the only rebranding going on. See here for the unfortunate result of paying vast sums of money to a London design company. I like the article's heading: 'UK Office of Government Commerce cracks one off.'
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